"I Am Not a Hack Actor"

Hello readers,
I'm Rob, the founding artistic director of the Orpheus Players. I hope you are all well, and that you share my excitement over the Players foray into the online community. I think we'll all agree that Amanda Parke is a hell of a sweet kid, and golly, a talented storyteller too. However, no longer being in possession of many of the brain cells she was allotted in life (a condition not unique in the current Orpheus creative "tripod"), there are one or two gaps in her article "The Genesis". Actually, not so much gaps, as egregious, slanderous, libelous, career-destroying lies.
She is correct in recalling that parts of the show were acted in underwear. And indeed, there was a memorable appearance by the "sixth actor". However, her allegation that "Rob forgot to pin his slit" is purely baseless. Her representation of the events paints a picture of me as a hack actor, completely careless and thoroughly unprofessional.
There was no "pin" involved. Ask yourself this: would any actress actively engage in onstage froddage onto a safety pin? Not even Amanda. I was wearing the variety of boxer shorts that come with a button midway down the front flap, a choice any sound professional would make. During performances, the button was buttoned. This was the case EVERY time I stepped onstage. However, this does not mean that there is no longer a hole, it just means that there are now two tighter and smaller holes. I have been assured by a physicist that the chances of a penis emerging from buttoned boxers are 1 in 7,349, acceptable odds for any professional. If there is a moral to the anecdote, it's that some performers will not be denied. On the night in question, we were acting away, and I gradually became aware of a certain breeziness. Being a professional, I knew that if I broke character to "check" myself, the audience's focus would follow my own. So I ignored the possibility that something was amiss, and moved ahead, maintaining faith in my ability to keep an audience's focus exactly where I wanted it to be, and faith that my partner would know how to react to a penis in character. The look that registered in Amanda's eyes for a few microseconds after she glanced "down" is a memory I will cherish always.
That incident was not the only instance of unplanned nudity in that first season. In our production of "sex, lies, and videotape", Jen (the actress playing Cynthia) walked onstage in a towel and panties. Actor Jim Hawley tore the sheet from her at one point (a move which had never been part of the blocking), and was as surprised as the rest of the audience at the bounty thus revealed.
But I digress.
These days I peddle my wares as a NY actor, and in the wake of Amanda's article, my career has suffered beyond measure. I haven't been hired once since the article was posted, and the film I was under contract to has had production mysteriously "postponed". Coincidence? My lawyer thinks not. In fact, my lawyer assures me that as soon as my lawsuit is processed, I will once again be sole legal owner of the Players. My first move will be to devote all future Orpheus productions to one-man performances of the poetry of Rod McKuen, performed by me. My lawyer also assures me that when the legal proceedings are done, Amanda, Mark, and Donna will be running the Fucking Gypsies Taco Stand on Pine Island Rd. for the rest of their miserable lives, and their firstborn children will belong to me as well.
warmly,
Rob